Troubled Past

So many times we fail to see what makes a person tick. Sometimes we even fail to see what makes up our own being.

I am going to share some very intimate details of my life. Some things not even the closest people to me know. It is easy for me to share these things because I’ve already dealt with my past. It does not rain over me everyday like it used to. I do not allow it to determine how far I will go. I do not let my past own me.

At a young age, I was raped. I was raped for several years and to no fault of my own.  This does not make me different than the millions of people it has happened to. It does, however, make me one of the few that has made it passed this horrible time in my life. I don’t mean this to sound like it is something that goes away because it doesn’t. What I mean is that I have gotten past this time in my life and have now been open to love. I no longer hate myself for what happened to me.

My spouse has been very supportive in that she realizes the hurt it still causes and gives me time if I ever need it. This has been a crucial part of our lives.

When I was younger, I hated myself more than anything. I eventually got to a point where I wanted everything to end. It was around this same time that I got high for the first time. (Now, I want to clarify this with the fact that I have never tried anything worse than marijuana.) The reason that this event is so prominent in my life is because being high is the only time I felt like I never had to deal with what was happening. I didn’t have to think about all of the hurt I felt. I didn’t need to experience it over and over again. I didn’t blame myself anymore, I only felt joy. Needless to say, I spent several years just toking away, making bad decision, and hiding my real feelings from myself.

Through yet another series of unfortunate events, ones I will not go into right now, I ended up in a therapists office. Now this guy was not a conventional therapist. His main job was to actually re-teach me how to remember things and how to deal with my feeling, which were at the time somewhat uncontrollable. In his office, I again recalled the trauma of previous years, which then brought up the hurt once again. This time, I had no option but to deal with it. He let me scream, cry, punch, kick and break all the way down.

He walked me through every event, held my hand and helped me regain control. Many people see going to a therapist as some sort of weakness. I used to be one of these people. It wasn’t until I spent months with him, exercise after exercise, visit after visit peeling away all the wounds that I was completely raw, vulnerable and yes, weak. It was in this weakness that I once again found my faith and my strength.

I learned how to love myself. I learned rape is not the victims fault. I learned how to cope with my what-if thoughts. I learned that I am not alone. I learned that God is the first step to my recovery.

Sometimes, the old feelings creep back up on me. These times are few and far between thank God!

If you have been through this please know you are not alone. You are strong and you can make your own difference. Seek help. This does not make you weak it will make you so much stronger in the end.


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